


Music in an Old Pickup

by Venesa



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, Happy Ending, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-16
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-05-12 20:02:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19236118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Venesa/pseuds/Venesa
Summary: Alex takes a musical journey down memory lane.





	Music in an Old Pickup

**Author's Note:**

> Not beta'd all mistakes are my own.
> 
> This was supposed to be a fluffy little trip down memory lane, but Alex decided to get overly emotional. Dedicated to beamirang and their love of angsty fluff.

Alex climbs into his pickup after a long but fulfilling day of teaching music at The Public Academy for Performing Arts. It felt good watching kids discover their love of music and helping them express themselves. So often he thinks back on the lost, lonely boy he had been at that age; wishing he had had someone to look up to. Sure he had Liz and Maria, but it wasn’t the same as having a true role model. Someone to encourage his dreams and individuality rather than beating him into submission and conformity.

Shaking himself from the dark turn his thoughts and taken, Alex turns on the radio and feels his face relax into a soft smile,  

_Don't know much about your life._

_Don't know much about your world, but_

_Don't want to be alone tonight,_

_On this planet they call earth._

Those last two months of senior year had been such a whirlwind. He’d known of Michael Guerin ever since he’d ended up back in Roswell in middle school, but never had much reason to interact with the other boy. Who would have thought that a stollen…okay fine “borrowed” guitar would lead to so much. At the time, Alex didn’t know what possessed him to offer the back toolshed to Guerin as an alternative to living in his truck. Looking back, he’s sure it was one lonely soul recognizing another.

_You don't know about my past, and_

_I don't have a future figured out._

_And maybe this is going too fast._

_And maybe it's not meant to last,_

He had known for a long time he was gay, what he hadn’t counted on was falling for Michael Guerin of all people, as hard and as fast as he did. Alex feels his cheeks go red even now, when he thinks of the boldness in his attempt to get that first kiss. When Guerin had pulled back, Alex had been disappointed, but relieved that Guerin hadn’t run off or worse, lashed out. He contented himself with the knowledge that Guerin could be someone he could relate to and confide in.

_But what do you say to taking chances,_

_What do you say to jumping off the edge?_

_Never knowing if there's solid ground below_

_Or hand to hold, or hell to pay,_

_What do you say,_

_What do you say?_

He sure as hell hadn’t expected Guerin to return his feelings in the form of a first kiss to end all first kisses a few days later. After that, outside of school the two boys had spent nearly every free moment together. Afternoons and evenings spent in the shed, listening to Guerin ( never Michael back then, always “Guerin” ) play guitar while Alex sang, were some of the happiest, confusing, exciting times of Alex’s young life. The inexperience of a seventeen-year-old was the only thing that stopped Alex from questioning how quickly the idea of not having Guerin in his life, became unimaginable.

The next song almost sends Alex swerving into the ditch at the wave of emotions it evokes.

_Broken pieces, break into me_

_So imperfectly what you should be_

After his father caught them and did what he did, Alex was sure what he and Guerin had been starting was over for good. Once again, Michale Guerin had shocked him by refusing to walk away. Alex had been terrified of what his dad would do if they got caught again, but Guerin had placated those fears with soft touches and gentle words and the promise of a future together. Guerin had stopped talking about leaving Roswell, and Alex had been too caught up in his own fears at the time to ask why.

_I don't want you to go_

_Don't wanna see you back out in the cold_

_Air you're breathing out fades you to grey_

_Don't run away, find me_

They never went back to the toolshed, but Guerin knew all of Roswell’s secrets and found places for the two boys to be alone. With school out for the summer, they both had more free time for each other; and if Maria and Liz questioned where Alex kept running off to, it was simple enough to offer vague excuses of his dad keeping him busy with chores and applying to schools. Alex chuckles softly to himself. Maria had known damn well, what Alex had really been up to, even if she didn’t know at the time who “museum guy” truly was.

With what Jesse had done to Guerin and what Alex later found out about his childhood, it takes his breath away to remember how Guerin had held him while he cried over his fears of what Jesse would do if they got caught again. The mind numbing, soul crushing terror of Jesse Mane’s wrath had been what finally pushed Alex to accept his fate and join the air force. Alex will never forgot the look of heartbreak, betrayal but worse of all, resignation on Guerin’s face when he told him his decision.

_I know the battles of chasing the shadows of who you wanna be_

_It doesn't matter, go on and shatter_

_I'm all you need_

_Broken pieces, break into me_

_So imperfectly what you should be_

_Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open_

_Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open_

Alex’s last night in Roswell had been spent under the stars, wrapped up in Guerin’s arms in the back of his beat up pickup truck. It felt right for things between them to end where they began.

_Lay here, it's safe here, I'll let you be broken open_

_Hide here, confide here so we can be broken open_

Alex lets out a humourless laugh when the next song starts. Cursing whatever forces are conspiring to send him down painful memory lane.

_Even if you see my scars,_

_Even if I break your heart,_

Alex had promised to keep in touch even against Guerin’s insistent “You don’t have to” and “Don’t worry about it”. With DADT still in affect when Alex enlisted it was difficult, but not impossible. He wrote whenever he could and Guerin responded occasionally, but it wasn’t long before all correspondence dried up. Alex had come back to Roswell occasionally over the ensuing ten years, but the next time the two had spoken had been outside Gerin’s airstream.

_If we're a million miles apart,_

_Do you think you'd walk away?_

Alex remembers feeling all the tension he’d been holding over the past decade slip away at finally being so close to Guerin. His hair longer and wilder, his shoulders broader, but the eyes, oh the eyes had been all Guerin. Fire and defiance with a hint of something else. Fear? Pain? Definitely pain. Pain caused by Alex walking away all those years ago and staying away in the ensuing years. Alex took a breath ready to say…honestly? To this day he doesn’t know what he was about to say before Guerin’s mention of Alex’s father who was watching just out of earshot brought him crash landing back to reality.

When Alex approached Guerin later at the reunion about the possibility of him cooking meth, it hadn’t been an accusation, though he knows it sounded like one. He was sad and disappointed to see the genius boy a had known with the world at his feet, seemingly wasting away his life. He just wanted to make sense of what had become of Michael Guerin’s life. If he’s being honest with himself, he was just looking for an excuse to get back in Guerin’s personal space, and picking a fight was safer than actually talking about his feelings.

_Even if I scandalize you,_

_Cut you down and criticize you,_

_Tell a million lies about you,_

_What would you say?_

The kiss later that night had been the most passionate kiss of Alex’s life. While their first kiss had been full of tentative hope and pieces coming together, this kiss was very different. Anger, regret, hope, fear, passion and something Alex was too afraid to name at the time had coalesced into a heady sensation that made Alex feel as though he was drowning; and honestly? He would have died a happy man in that moment.

_Could you? (You)_

_Could you? (You)_

_Could you? (You)_

_Could you love me anyway?_

Alex is still ashamed of how he behaved in the ensuing days. Between his assertion that what happened at the reunion couldn’t happen again and his back and forth at the drive in, he hates how much control his father had on him, even as a grown man. When he approached Guerin the next day at the airstream he told him every time he looked at him he was seventeen again. What he didn’t realize until much later, it was the same with his father. Every time Alex was around Jesses Manes, he felt like that same terrified seventeen-year-old under his father’s iron fist.

_Is it for better or for worse,_

_Or am I just your good-time girl?_

_Can you still hold me when it hurts,_

_Or would you walk away?_

Guerin’s admission that he never looked away knocked the air out of his lungs. He couldn’t fathom how he could still want to be with Alex after being jerked around over and over again. The next several nights in the airstream felt like a dream. Of course, once again Alex’s fears had come back full force when Isobel showed up. That morning may be his greatest regret of all. If he had stayed, how different would things have been? He doubts Isobel would have given two shits to find her brother was sleeping with a man. She sure as hell wouldn’t have bothered running to Master Sgt Manes. Stupid! 

_Could you? (Will you catch me when I fall?)_

_Could you? (And we rise above it all)_

_Could you? (Will you hold me when it hurts?) Like it's the end of the world?_

_Could you? Could you? Could you? Could you?_

 Alex doesn’t even bother pretending he isn’t crying when the next song begins; this time sending a curse to the Albuquerque traffic.

_Woah woah, what if this is all the love you ever get?_

_Woah woah, you'd do a couple things so differently, I'll bet_

_Woah woah, what if this is all the love I ever know_

_Woah woah, I'd say the words that were so hard to say don't go_

Finally, _finally_ getting up the courage to confront Guerin about their decade long relationship had ended up being a much needed catharsis for both of them. Guerin had scoffed at Alex being more curious about his childhood than about him being an alien. Honestly though? Finding out Michael Guerin was from another planet had made all the sense in the world. Only someone otherworldly could evoke such feelings of crash landings. Not to mention the way Guerin’s mind worked was not of this earth.

_So you've fallen in love_

_So you've fallen apart_

Considering Guerin had been living in his truck in high school, Alex had known or at least suspected, he had been through some shit growing up. However, he wasn’t prepared for the enormity of what Guerin had overcome. Once again, he was taken aback by this man. How could someone who had been through so much have the capacity to care so much for anyone else? Guerin had the reputation of looking out for number one, but Alex wasn’t fooled; he would lay down his life for those he cared about. Namely Max and Isobel. They had been thick as thieves in school. Since he got back from Iraq he got the impression something had shifted in that area, but Alex could tell Guerin still loved them both fiercely. Being on the receiving end of that love, yes Alex could finally use the word to describe what they had, was nothing short of cosmic.

_What if it hurts like hell_

_Then it'll hurt like hell_

_Come on over_

_Come on over here_

Telling Guerin about the government coverup surrounding the ’47 crash, Project Shepard, and his suspicions regarding Caulfield had ended up being both a blessing and a curse. Guerin had finally gotten at least some of the answers he had so desperately been searching for, finding his mother only to have her and the rest of his people ripped away minutes later. Not to mention almost dying in a fiery explosion had forced them both to admit their feelings for one another.

Alex had wanted to stay with him at the trailer, but Guerin insisted he needed to be alone. Much later, Alex found out just how bad things had turned. Add that to the pile of guilt Alex carries in his gut. Whether or not that guilt is warranted depends on who you ask, but Alex still carries it. Once Alex had been able to wrap his head around everything he had learned about Guerin, what he had witnessed at Caulfield and how his family had been the cause of so much pain to Guerin and generations of his people, Alex knew what he had to do. That night he let himself into the airstream and waited for Guerin to show up. Seeing the blood on his sweater had stopped Alex’s heart until Guerin’s assurances of “I’m fine it’s not my blood”. Alex smiles through his tears at that particular memory. Turns out Guerin could be a very convincing liar under the right circumstances.

_I'm in the ruins too_

_I know the wreckage so well_

_Come on over_

_Come on over here_

Alex let loose all of the things he had been wanting to say for so long. Well, not all. There had been more he wanted to say before Guerin had run off with a promise of tomorrow. As important as all the things Alex managed to get out in those few minutes were, he wishes he had started with the most important first: I love you. I’m ready to really be with you, the rest of the world be damned.

Alex takes several deep cleansing breaths as yet another song proceeds to tear at his heart. Later he’ll wonder why it didn’t occur to him to turn off the damn radio.

_Lately, I've been, I've been thinking_

_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_  

While he’d been hurt and disappointed, Alex couldn’t really be angry at Guerin for standing him up the next day. He couldn’t even be angry at the idea of him finding comfort with someone else; someone with less baggage who wasn’t tangled up in so many terrible memories of his life. What really hurt was Maria. She had insisted Texas had meant nothing. Clearly it had meant something to both of them. While he didn’t begrudge her a chance at happiness, and he knew he would eventually forgive her, it still felt like a betrayal.

He appreciated Maria and Guerin coming to him later that night and being honest with him; even if he couldn’t quite look Maria in the eye. After saying her piece she had graciously left the two men alone to really hash out their decade of baggage. Their conversation wasn’t nearly as civil, with years of heartache being thrown at one another.

_When the morning comes_

_When we see what we've become_

_In the cold light of day we're a flame in the wind_

_Not the fire that we've begun_

_Every argument, every word we can't take back_

_'Cause with all that has happened_

_I think that we both know the way that the story ends_  

“After everything that happened that night, I just needed some quiet.”

“So you went to my best friend.”

“It wasn’t like that! Not at first anyway. After those insane, awful twenty-four hours, all I could think about was shutting off the noise in my head. I know Max thought we was doing me a favour, but when he healed my hand it really fucked me up. I just went to the first place I knew there would be a guitar. God, Alex, do you have any idea how it felt to be able to play again after a decade?”

“And that’s when you thought, hey I know, I’ll hook up with my ex’s best friend. That should simplify things!”

“Don’t you get it? I want us to stop hurting each other! I need to be with someone who isn’t ashamed to be seen with me!”

That knocked all the air out of Alex’s lungs, “Is that what you really think? That I’m ashamed of you?"

“Come on Alex, you never told anyone, including your best friend about us. _Museum Guy_ really?” Not to mention the way you reacted the morning Isobel showed up at the airstream.”

“Wow, for a genius you really are an idiot. I’ve never been ashamed of you. I was terrified for you! After what my dad did to you, all I could think about was him finding out we were back together. I was trying to protect you!

It was in that moment they realized whatever this thing was between them, wasn’t working. Guerin needed to be in a relationship that wasn’t constantly causing him pain, and Alex needed to figure out who the hell he was outside of the Airforce and out from under Jesse Mane’s thumb. Having finally put all their cards on the table, Alex and Michal ( yes finally Michael, not Guerin ) had been able to part as friends.

_Then only for a minute_

_I want to change my mind_

_'Cause this just don't feel right to me_

_I wanna raise your spirits_

_I want to see you smile but_

_Know that means I'll have to leave_

 Alex remembers the mixed emotions swirling in his gut the day he pulled out of Roswell for good. The awkward, but heartfelt bro’ hug with Kyle as he handed over the keys to the cabin. The tearful, yet optimistic goodbye with Liz over milkshakes and fries at the Crashdown. Drinks in comfortable silence with Maria at the Wild Pony. She had given him a fierce hug and made him promise to keep in touch. Keeping that promise is the one point of pride Alex has from that time.

_Know that means I'll have to leave_

_Lately, I've been, I've been thinking_

_I want you to be happier, I want you to be happier_

There hadn’t been a goodbye with Michael that day. The other man had left town not long after things with Maria hadn’t worked out and no one had heard from in weeks. Not even Isobel or Max could reach him. Alex had hoped wherever Michael was, he was surrounded by people and things that made him feel happy and appreciated. It’s the very least Michael Guerin was owed after all he had been through.

_When the evening falls_

_And I'm left there with my thoughts_

_And the image of you being with someone else_

_Well, it's eating me up inside_

Finally pulling into his driveway, Alex takes a few minutes to compose himself; shocked and a little embarrassed at his reaction to these long ago memories. Chalking it up to end of term craziness and being surrounded by hormone crazed middle-schoolers, he climbs out of the truck and heads towards the dark, quiet house. Dropping his keys and briefcase on the end table at the front door, he kneels down to greet Shadow, the over excited beagle acting as though Alex has been gone for months rather than a single work day.

_1, 2, 3, 4_

As he heads to the kitchen to grab an after work beer and fill Shadow’s bowl, he notices light coming from the backyard. As he heads towards the back slider, a familiar tune reaches his ears and he feels his eyes welling up all over again.

_Two punks in love_

_You had my back from day one_

_We were so young_

_Yeah, that stuff hit like a truck_

_A loaded gun_

_That cupid knew what was up_

_And now I'm locked Inseparable we've become_

There standing in the middle of the backyard, surrounded by fairy lights and looking better in a henley and faded jeans than any human could, is Michael Guerin.

_Even though the years go by_

_Seasons changed and flowers died_

_We're still rocking side by side_

_I'm still yours and you're still mine_

_You broke my heart a million times_

_Can't count the ways I've made you cry_

_Oh, we're such a mess_

_But I get depressed at the thought of losing you_

_We were kids, it's been a while_

_But you still work to make me smile_

_A stolen kiss, now I can't wait to waste my life away with you_

_You, waste my life away with you, you_

 

“What are you doing here?” Alex walks towards Guerin as if being pulled by some invisible force.

“Well hello to you too.” Infamous cocky Guerin grin firmly in place as he saunters towards Alex. The macho cowboy swagger never did get old.

“You know what I mean.” Alex can feel is heart racing already.

“I told those egg heads at NASA they would have to finalize preparations for the launch without me. I had somewhere important I needed to be.”

Alex feels all the tension of the day - several days if he’s being honest - drain from his body as he wraps his arms around Michael’s neck and sinks into him, “I can’t believe you’re here.”

 

_Two punks in love_

_With a not so pretty love_

_Not giving up, not giving up, not giving up_

_Two punks in love (yeah, yeah)_

_With a not so pretty love_

_Not giving up, not giving up, not giving up_

 

“Where else would I be?” Michael pulls Alex closer, foreheads resting together, as the two men start to slowly dance to music. Alex pulls back, only to surge forward with a kiss to rival their first all those years ago.

 

_You broke my heart a million times_

_Can't count the ways I've made you cry_

_Oh, we're such a mess_

_But I get depressed at the thought of losing you_

_We were kids, it's been a while_

_But you still work to make me smile_

_A stolen kiss, now I can't wait to waste my life away with you_

_You (with you, with you)_

_Waste my life away with you, you (with you, with you)_

_You, waste my life away with you, you_

 

When the need for air becomes necessary they pull back laughing through happy tears. 

"Happy Anniversary darlin’. You wanna go for a ride?"

**Author's Note:**

> I hope the ending doesn't seem too rushed. I really wanted that to be the last line
> 
>  
> 
> Song list:  
> What Do You Say - Celine Dion  
> Broken Open - Adam Lambert  
> Love Me Anyway - Pink ft. Chris Stapleton  
> What If This Is All the Love You Ever Get? - Snow Patrol  
> Happier - Marshmello & Bastille  
> Two Punks in Love - Bülow


End file.
